Tagged: divorce

It was either sink or swim and I wanted to fly

I always had a feeling in my past relationships, that I better do anything and everything I could to hold on tight. If things ended I would be alone again and that would last until I got “lucky enough” to get another girlfriend.

Years later I think because I didn’t have a stable family growing up, I was always searching for a girl to be my rock. Someone who would always be there for me and have my back. My parents divorced when I was young, my mom got married a few times after my dad, and one of the guys was pretty bad (drugs, abusive, and all I want to make public)

Now that my marriage was over, my house gone, feeling like damaged goods, almost no one in my life, and just being stood up on New Year’s Eve, I came to a realization

It was either sink or swim and I wanted to fly.

Even though I ended up finding a cool place to live, I didn’t just want to swim, which to me meant just keeping me head high enough from drowning, I wanted more.

I wasn’t happy with who I was and who I had become.

What I had been doing in my life didn’t lead me to happiness or given me the results I wanted.

So I decided that I needed to start working on the areas and aspects of my life that I had been avoiding. I began to exercise and eat healthier I also changed my look.

  • No fast food -and if I did falter I would just grab a burrito, not the 2-3 meals worth I normally got
  • Muscle milk or Dymatize protein shakes -chocolate with a scoop of peanut butter is pretty tasty!
  • Kettlebell -a cannonball with a handle, it was now being used religiously
  • Clothes shopping -something I use to hate, now I would go every few weeks and add 1-2 items
  • Hair -I dressed up in my cool clothes and went to a high end saloon and said “make it cool”

In a pretty short time frame I went from looking and dressing sloppy, to feeling 100 times healthier and dressing a thousand times cooler.  The confidence I gained from that was sinking in, but I needed to do more. If not all it would take is my clothes and hair to go out of style and me getting fat to loose the ground I had gained.

-next time, how I began working on what I would learn to call my “inner game” AND an update from the chick who stood me up!

5 years ago I said, “I DO”

Little did I know that those 2 tiny words would start a chain reaction that would lead me down a painful and amazing path.

It went from “I Do” to “I want a divorce” in two years.

Two long years…

Long enough to own two cars, a four bedroom house, have a front yard with trees and bushes that had these fucking thorns that were two inches long, I would work on during the weekends.

Long enough to live next to a little kids playground, a few streets near a giant new park with basketball courts and a baseball field, walking distance to a MUCH nicer grade school than I ever went to, half a mile from a high school that is twice as impressive which would easily be driven to by a young adult with a shiny new driver’s license in their wallet. It was all planned out in my mind, from first steps, playing catch, working on a car, to graduation….

Those two years of my life are gone, all but erased from my mind. When I sit down and really think hard, it feel like trying to remember a dream from long ago. Even now writing this, it feels like I am remembering someone else’s thoughts, that they almost couldn’t have been mine.

After that, I decided I needed to change. Clearly I messed up. I fucked things up and ruined a perfect situation. It was something I did wrong to make things play out the way they did. So I began a journey, so it wouldn’t happen again.

On this journey I learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, realizing I wasn’t happy with the way I was and doing whatever it took to change that, it is more than most can handle.

Now five years later, I am back in Phoenix visiting from my new home in Los Angeles where I am living a life I never thought possible. Hanging out with my Dad, sister, brother, niece, this weekend and am closer to all of them than ever before. I talk to my mom every week, something I never did. Am closer to my friends and have found some really amazing ones. Found out I actually am pretty decent with the ladies, somehow got a job focusing on that, and now help guys all around the world learn from my previous mistakes, so they hopefully can not follow my painful path.

I found out that it wasn’t my fault.

I also found out that I am now happy.

originally posted April 25, 2008 comments copied over